Hi,
A few years ago I finished University and my friendship group dispersed; so much has changed since then and people I thought would be my friend for a long time turned sour. The biggest problem was with a friend of mine, whom I lived with, that had a strong crush on me. We were good friends for years but his crush was very domineering. It never was spoken about until he asked me out, and I politely declined. I had never had a partner before and I did not find him attractive, so never reciprocated his emotions, but he persisted to the point of obsession; as time went by, and graduation loomed, he began stalking me, and on several occasions he threatened my life. He told a friend he could kill me if he wanted, and I got frightened of him. He had a history of depression and we always knew it, but it seemed to become very bad and he would not get help. I was so offended and scared of who he became after my rejection, I severed all contact with him. Now, three years later, I am seeking a job in a company that I dream of working at and have found out he works there too. How should I deal with meeting this person again? I have a loving boyfriend now and am nervous of meeting this old friend. How will he react - how should I act? Any advice is appreciated. Thanks, Blackwolf (age 25, England) * * * Dear Blackwolf, The biggest mistake that people make when they feel threatened by others (fearing sexual or other physical violence) is to keep it to themselves. I would also suggest that you familiarize yourself with English law about harassment and stalking (cf. http://www.cps.gov.uk/legal/s_to_u/stalking_and_harassment/#a03a). In retrospect, I would have advised you to keep a record of any and all instances of previous harassment, including taking note of what he told other people, who these people were, and when he said it. I would have recorded conversations on the telephone, emails, etc. For now, though, I would say that it would be a good idea for you to reconstruct everything you can remember about what happened for future reference. Next, as per the above, I would go to the head of your Human Resources Department and make sure they are aware of the situation. This isn’t the same as bringing charges of any type, since he hasn’t yet done anything at your workplace, but your employer should be aware of your fears now and don’t feel embarrassed to suggest they keep a discreet eye on him, including his Internet activities (many businesses are very capable of seeing what their employees do in emails and Web activities). While you are in the HR office, pick the brains of the people there and ask them for advice on what you should do, whether police should be notified, and what company policies are about harassment and stalking. If at all possible, avoid meeting or talking to this guy. If you can’t do that and have to deal with him, keep it at a 100% professional level; that is, only talk about business. Do not discuss ANYTHING personal about your life, either now or in the past. He is a robot to you, a functionary, that’s all. Good luck! HUGS! Papabear
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I like to first ask to censor my First and Last name, but I do not mind if you say 'wwwarea'. But it's NOT a furry name. Anyway, I planned to write before, saved the document, etc. But I might write again and THIS time send it. But because of major drama I been dealing with, I am very open to the world ending even more, the desire to suicide (maybe), etc.
I been attacked by some cyberbullies online (Users such as Channeleven/REMRadioheadfan96 on Deviant Art, FunnelFortex on Deviantart, etc.). The worst enemy I've dealt with was REM (The basic nick name I used a lot of him). His history here: http://multiversefeeling.blogspot.com/2015/08/remradioheadfan96-or-channeleven-history.html He (and his friends) always cause trouble, attack people for disagreeing, etc. One final thing so far is that I was attacked for being open about spirituality, and wondered about what 'Otherkin' mean here: http://wwwarea.deviantart.com/journal/Otherkin-557979348. And, of course, Funnel started it, and etc. I stand up against their offensive prejudice biases, etc. They attacked me for it by pretending their prejudice opinions were "fact" (They clearly don't know what spirituality, multiverse, etc. mean.). I kinda ended it by making more general journals back, etc. http://wwwarea.deviantart.com/journal/No-REM-and-Vortex-you-Never-won-UPDATE-558689226. Anyway this drama was bad. During another time, REM wrote an ED article about me, and that's where (I think) I was planning to ask for help. But then I canceled it out. However, after this major drama here, they updated it: https://encyclopediadramatica.se/Wwwarea. Because of this cyberbullying article on how easy it is to find it with the name of 'wwwarea', etc. I am very open to the desire to die (again), the world ending, and etc. I am a major misanthropic, and I no longer have as much faith I used to have for humanity anymore. I don't know what to do... My RL friends never found that article, nor my family, etc. Like I don't want them to know about what I do, etc. My questions are, what do you think of this article? How can I get it to not show in Google, and are articles like these accepted by many people online? This article strongly affects me, gives me anxiety, ruined my life, and etc. They say it's bad to have an article on ED even though it's nothing but a bunch of bulls***. I know it's more than one question, but I don't know what else to write. I was attacked publicly for my possible mixed religion, spirituality, as a furry, for my sexuality, for what I defend, etc. All for cyberbullying humiliating, mock, etc. purposes. ALL PUBLIC. I don't know what to bloody do anymore. I hope I die in my sleep and wake up in heaven. * * * Hi, Wwwarea, I’m always disturbed by those who threaten suicide. If you are seriously contemplating it, please stop reading this right now and call the suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255 and speak with a professional counselor. If you are now returning to this letter, I will proceed. Nothing in the links you provided that I read looks like something you should kill yourself over or that has “ruined your life.” I really think you need to gain a bit of perspective here and realize that someone ranting about you online happens all the time. Heck, I’ve been called a fraud, a popufur (not in a good way), a simpleton, an idiot who thinks that all furries are gay (not true, of course), and someone who is just out to make money off of troubled furries (I actually lose money on this website). One guy on a furry podcast made fun of me a lot, mocking my name and portraying me as an egotist (then I found out that it was his job on the show to act like a buttmunch to gain listeners—sheesh). As for people making fun of your explorations about Otherkin—people have been mocking others for ages for their spiritual beliefs. Worse, they sometimes kill each other about it. If you firmly believe in something, then who gives a rat’s patootie what others think? Remember to consider the source, which brings me to the Encyclopedia Dramatica. I took a quick survey on one of the Facebook pages I run and found out that 98 percent never heard of ED or, if they had, they didn’t consider it an important site. Only one person said they heard of it and that if you get trashed on it that it was a bad thing. I really doubt that anyone is going to look at it. Since I doubt your family knows you go by the name wwwarea, I sincerely doubt anyone you care about will read the ED entry. Papabear prescribes the following: one giant chill pill gulped down with a glass of cool water. Hugs, Papabear * * * Thanks for trying to help. But I've heard criticism that ignoring the hate isn't always the best thing to do or something. I can see possibly one reason: While we both know ED is a shit site, and that it's clearly possible to ignore it, the problem is that many people actually consider it a real serious site (and a "smart" site) in some way (or partly real), and that the subjects against me are somewhat widely accepted by many people, etc. If someone were to search 'wwwarea' in Google, they would find it and most likely agree to it or some of it, or believe some of it's slander, etc. Another problem is that some furries, non-furries, etc. consider it a dangerous and effective site, etc. E.g. Some worry about being on it, and suggest things like: "You might get an ED if you say that!" <Not exact, etc. I do not have RL friends (except 1 that moved out) and there are no person out there in RL who knows anything about me accept the basic what's considered "normal" or "normal enough" (some gaming, etc.). No person (maybe) openly accepts furry of much in RL here, it's basically just that crappy 'big media' garbage. It can cause other people to see it, and worse, agree to it to me, etc. This can possibly happen with anyone, etc. Sorry about the furry radio thing, that guy was a dick. I think people should sue that person. Anyway, the reason why I am trying to stand up is because I am trying to self-defense myself because these people are actually serious about labeling me as "bad" and "delusional", etc. Example: I had to make this: http://wwwarea.deviantart.com/art/The-Right-to-Self-Defence-The-Truth-546045888. * * * Sweetie, listen to Papabear. You are trying to fight a website that has the sole purpose of offending you and anyone else it feels like. It is a satire site. It is a troll site, OK? Arguing against it is like being the subject of a roast and being offended when people make fun of you. The purpose of the roast is to make fun of you. The more you fight them and argue with them, the more they will make fun of you. So, stop posting about ED. Stop reacting to ED and its creator, Julian Dibbell. Stop worrying about what people think of posts on ED. It is a fruitless exercise. Now, when you wish to talk about things like your explorations into spirituality, there are lots of websites and discussion forums where you can do that with open-minded people. Do you understand? Hugs, Papabear * * * Sorry if I am bothering you. I have a feeling you are too busy on handling other things. If you want time to focus on other things first, then go for it. My 'suicidal' desire to die early is very, very strict, to the point that I'm only open to dying in my sleep by random unexpected action from the 3D awareness. Example: I could pray to die in sleep, but not knowing for sure if that will even work. But here is my message: It's not really a 'joke' site or much. The ones who wrote it are actually serious about me (They say, don't take it seriously, etc. but that's false), they do this for cyberbullying purposes and many people actually depend on it (It's all serious). When I asked about the Google thing, I was wondering if it was possible to shift my 'ED wwwarea page' name to at least the second page or something? - I care less about taking it down.. maybe. Though arguing it and showing people that it's not a real satire site could help let people be aware. Anyway, it's proven very well that it's a harmful site. Example: http://happypenguin819.deviantart.com/art/Encyclopedia-Dramatica-286414039?q=favby%3Awwwarea%2F1568323&qo=23. I don't agree about the "deserve" part, nobody still does and shouldn't depend on what others think, etc. but the rest is very interesting. I also found out another article showing a quote showing that someone was effected due to a similar effect of people finding my name with that. My main concern was the effects of the site and my 'wwwarea' name due to what I already tried to explain. I don't want my RL friends, and family to see this! I don't want them to see what I do (Not that I agree it's bad or anything, it's personal), I don't want some of my online friends to see this either. And I don't want more people to see that article and agree to it. (YES, some really do take it seriously as a tool for cyberbullying, etc.) Now also, I am now stalked, every 24/7 sometimes. Meaning that no matter what I want to express, they will find me, and update that article; causing me to hide my identity. I may be hated by more people. So no matter how I ignore it, that's not going to stop possibly. Now do you understand? I'm not expecting your help of 'taking down' ED, it's not exactly that way (But man I do wish the law did. Haha). Again, if you need some time reading this, please have time... * * * Hi, there, Here is Papabear’s opinion on Encyclopedia Dramatica’s purpose of “in lulz we trust” (if readers don’t know, “lulz” means doing thing to deliberately upset other people emotionally): there is a valid reason for satire in our society, especially political satire and political criticism. Such satire is aimed at making people aware of political wrongdoing in a humorous way because that can be very effective in making a point. Free speech is extremely important in our society; it is the foundation of freedom to be able to say what you think without being persecuted for it. Some of what ED does is to point out products and companies that are pretty crappy. Okay, point taken. It’s different, though, when you are attacking individuals on a personal basis. What ED frequently does is simply try to hurt people’s feelings when they feel they are being foolish. The reason they do this is to attract traffic to their website, obviously, because traffic translates into advertiser money (or donations, which they ask for). I could go more deeply into the psychological reasons why people do this, but let’s just say that what they are doing is not very admirable; it’s just mean and petty. The author of the page compares the mission of ED to Ambrose Bierce’s Devil’s Dictionary. Lemme tell ya, Mr. Dibbell, after reading some of your articles, it is safe to say you are no Ambrose Bierce. One thing we do not need in this world is people causing more hurt and pain and hard feelings. There is too much of that already. Wwwarea, there are a couple things you can do, if you wish, at this point: 1) you can stop using the name wwwarea and start fresh with a new online name and identity; 2) you can sue ED, and any other parties you feel are involved, for libel. To successfully sue for libel in court, you must prove the following:
Currently, the biggest problem in the above that I see is proving #3, but if you feel you can show this, you might want to consult with an attorney. If I were you, I wouldn’t bother with a lawsuit. They can be expensive and time consuming and emotionally draining. Far easier just to change your name online and start over again, if it is bothering you that much. If it were me, though, I would just let it be and ignore it. Bullies like Julian Dibbell wither and die when they are ignored just like a plant without water or sunshine or, in his case, manure. Take Care, Papabear Dear Papabear,
I was miserable all my life until I met my one true love. Me and my boyfriend are both furries and we're in a good relationship. My bf is a person who takes charge (i.e. He loves being the giver) in our relationship. We've been very adventurous in the bedroom or should I say out of it. Me and my bf are into doing the deed outdoors and in the most unusual places, we've done it in car parks, forests, bouncy castles, in other friends horse stables, changing rooms, even once on a mechanical bull etc. Just a few days ago me and him got into this simulator machine that replicates a roller coaster and we just made out and had sex in it. Best sex ever in my life. But now dearest papa bear I like sex outside as he does but he likes being more adventurous than I do, but he wants to become even more adventurous, he's wanting us to go into forbidden places like an old school building with our old school uniforms on or we'd go to an abandoned hotel and he'd play a hotel manager and I'd play a customer he'd show me a room and before I know it we're on the double bed and I'm pulling at the headboard, that I don't mind but he wants us to get caught in public. How can I talk him around? I don't mind being intimate outdoors because we're both up for it but its just he wants to push the barrier into getting caught by members of the public. So how can I talk him out of this before we get caught? Anonymous (England) * * * Dear Furiend, While I think it’s terrific that the two of you are adventurous lovers, there is a limit to all things. The limit in the case of public sex has to do with the law. Both in England and in the United States there are laws that prohibit or put restrictions on having sex in places where others who don’t really want to see you doing carnal things may get a good look at it. While these rules have eased up a little in the 21st century, they still exist. In England, laws about sexual conduct were updated in 2003 (long overdue as they remained Victorian until then), giving some grounds for things like nudists practicing their thing in private and also granting homosexual behavior the same rights as heterosexual behavior (in England it used to be illegal for homosexuals to have an orgy in a private home but perfectly legal for heterosexuals to do the same thing). Laws about public decency are covered in England under The Sexual Offences Act and The Public Order Act. In essence, they say if you have sex where you can be seen and there is no expectation of privacy, you have committed a crime. (Note to American readers: the same sort of laws exist in the United States, but vary from state to state, including penalties; it is generally seen as a misdemeanor punishable for up to about $1,000). Back to your boyfriend: what you need to do is point out to him that he is putting both of you at risk of being charged with a crime, especially if he wants you to get caught. Next thing you know, the two of you will be paid a visit by the nice guy named Bobby (a police officer). I would hope that your boyfriend would not want the two of you in trouble (oh, and by the way, I’m a bit concerned that some of his fantasies may involve trespassing on property that may be abandoned but still isn’t permissible for you to enter). Hopefully, this is just because he’s unaware it is a crime (remembering that ignorance of the law does not exonerate you), and not because he deliberately wants to cause you trouble. Again, I think it’s great to have an adventurous sex life, but the purpose of such laws is to protect the rights of others who may not appreciate it and could be offended and shocked by it. Keep your sex life private. Hope that helps! Papabear The past three weeks have been really trying for me. Someone or a group of people stole stuff from my family. Just recently I found out they have attempted to use financial stuff to go against me and I have put out a police report and the financial institution is doing their own investigation. I may have matured a lot since I was younger but it still burns my stomach to heck these persons have attempted to do this to me.
The stuff they stole had sentimental value to me. Some other stuff, it's just stuff, material things which can be easily replaced. It feels like things have been a very steep slope which I am attempting to stop the downward slide. I still think about it and it's very raw. I am OK and things will hopefully turn out OK, which I think usually does. I'm not really a religious person but I think of one song which states for any payoff for having any faith is to be tested again and again. I really want to feel safe, know my future is OK and just want to feel what I quantify as normal. Any suggestions to help feel a normalcy in my life is appreciated. Charon (age 38) * * * Hi, Charon, Could you give me some more information? Who are these "group of people"? Do you have a good idea who they are? What do you mean they attempted to use financial stuff to "go against me"? How did they steal stuff from you? Did they break into your house? I need more information, please, before I can reply. Thanks, Papabear * * * Random person or persons wanting to steal stuff for their own monetary gain and not giving a hoot about the other person, namely me. I don't know the people. Stole bank information, which thankfully the bank I go to caught it in time and no money was withdrawn. Storage facility. * * * Hi, again, Charon, So the bank situation has been taken care of, but you have lost the items from the storage unit. Sorry to hear that. It is, frankly, rare for someone to live out one’s life and not be a victim of theft at least once. When I was living in Ferndale, Michigan, a kid broke into my home and took jewelry, my bicycle, and broke into my great grandmother’s cedar hope chest. The irony of the break-in was twofold: first, the chest wasn’t locked and all that was in it was afghans; and second, they stole worthless jewelry while leaving the more expensive stuff behind (kid didn't know what he was doing, obviously, leaving a diamond ring and taking a high school class ring instead, for example). I didn’t care about the jewelry or the bike, but it cost me $300 to fix and restore the hope chest, which pissed me off royally because it was so senseless and because that was the one piece of furniture in my home that had sentimental value at the time. The police were no help at all, even though one of them told me that “we know a kid in the neighborhood who has been breaking into homes.” Never did a thing. I later went to the police station to file an addendum to the missing items and the cop in charge of the case vaguely looked at it while chatting with his buddies about his summer vacation plans. Useless. But I digress. I have some words of advice regarding storage units (I’m full of advice, ain’t I?) First of all, if you have a lot of valuables in a storage unit, you should purchase insurance for it. Secondly, items of great value should go in a safe deposit box or a home safe (make sure the home safe is fire resistant). If they are too large for either, I would just keep them at home and, perhaps, purchase a home alarm system. As with any theft, there is a sense of personal violation that follows. The idea, for me, that someone was in my home going through my things makes me feel very creeped out. I understand that you would feel the same. Unfortunately, there is no way for anyone to be 100% safe. You can take precautions, lower the risk of it happening again, but it could still happen. And as for things like banks or even retail stores, if you watch the news, hackers are constantly compromising the databases full of personal information for millions of people. When it comes to banks, your money is insured by the FDIC, so even if it’s stolen you should be able to get it back. And with credit cards, if people steal your card and start making purchases, you are not liable for them (sometimes you can owe up to $50, but that’s usually the max and I believe that is only if you are shown to have been negligent). Not that I’m a huge fan of credit card companies, but mine has been very good at informing me immediately if they see a suspicious purchase, such as the time they noticed “I” bought a plane ticket to Idaho. They have a full history of my purchasing behavior, and since that was unusual, they contacted me right away. They did so, too, when they noticed a purchase worth hundreds of dollars for online video games, and they knew that was unlike anything I had bought before. You have a very good attitude about merchandise without sentimental value being just “stuff.” That’s exactly what it is. Just stuff, and I’m glad that part doesn’t upset you so much. Just be more cautious about things with sentimental value, is what I would advise for you. However, in the end, even those items are really just stuff, too. As the Buddhists say, it is our attachment to things that causes us pain. Where there is no emotional attachment to things, no harm can come to you should something happen to them. It reminds me of a story about the late Jim Henson (the Muppets creator). One day, he was returning to his car in a parking garage and noticed the trunk had been broken into and some very pricey camera equipment had been stolen. His reaction? “I guess someone needed it more than I did.” You can’t control other people’s actions, but you can control your response to them. Blessed Be, Papabear Dear Papabear,
How have you been? Merry Christmas! I come to you with a question about an incident which has shocked me quite a lot. As you are probably already aware, this year's MFF convention suffered what many consider to be a 'terrorist attack'. Someone unleashed chlorine gas which caused the evacuation of the hotel, disrupted the convention and sent 19 people to hospital. Now, I am perfectly aware that the fandom is not lacking in haters. I have even stopped trying to explain what the fandom is when asked, due to the fact that most people are already influenced by third parties to think that all furries are perverts and whatnot. The only answer I give nowadays is “If you are not part of the fandom, you won't understand. So do not bother.” I, for one, am perplexed with my own reaction to non-Furries. A few years ago, I would love to explain the fandom to others. About a furry's fondness of anthropomorphic animals, cartoons, art, and others. But every time I go online nowadays I find myself intoxicated with hate messages. Messages saying that all furries suffer from autism, or have mental disabilities, or are zoophiles. And that makes me feel like a freak. Just because I love the fandom and I love to be a Furry. In the end, these repetitive incidents made me a bitter Furry. I antagonize non-Furry people with ease as soon as I am asked about the Furry Fandom, for I immediately think 'Potential hater right here!' And now, the attack on MFF only increased my bitterness, especially because I keep seeing people post comments such as “The guy who did this deserves a medal!” or “You only hospitalized 19? Try harder!” Only one thought flows through my mind. Revenge. If we are being attacked, should we not fight back? I do not mean that we should respond with violence (although I really want to), but should we not find some sort of deterrent to prevent possible future attacks? The best defense is a good offense, yes? I need your help to figure out how to change my attitude to non-Furry people. How can I go back to being optimistic about non-Furry people instead of despising them due to generalizations and misconceptions? Thank you, and once again, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! Kind Regards, Armand DeCrow * * * Dear Armand, Many furries know about the incident at the Hyatt Regency in Rosemont, Illinois, but for those who don’t, please read the post on the Midwest Fur Fest site here: http://furfest.org/index.php. I think this is a good letter to end 2014 with because we can talk about some serious stuff here. Let me begin by saying that we should never assume guilt on anyone’s part without knowing the facts, and the facts of this case (who did it) have yet to be revealed. The person who set off that primitive chlorine device could have been a mundane or another furry. Some furries, you know, can be butt-munchers. It might have been a furry being pissed off at other furries and doing something very stupid and harmful while in a drunk and stupid state of mind. So, before you go out seeking revenge—violent or otherwise—don’t go off half-cocked. Even if the perp is some nasty mundane person, violence and revenge are never the answer. Once you start down that path, the result is an endless cycle of hurting, revenge, more hurting. It’s easy to provide examples of this, such as what has been going on in the Middle East for generations and the continued racial tensions in this country. Only a few great men, such as Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and Mahatma Gandhi, have advocated the real solution to the violence cycle, and that is organized mass nonviolent protest. Imagine, if you would, if people finally got fed up with the Koch Brothers, Congress, the Waltons, the Rothschilds, etc., turned off their TVs and all together refused to work, buy gasoline, go to Walmart, attend sporting events and movies, and just sat down and said, “We’re not going to be your wage slaves anymore. You must fix this broken government and stop giving every advantage to the 1% or this country will collapse under the united weight of the people.” What are they going to do? Bring in the National Guard? And do what? Start beating and shooting people who are just sitting around? Throw us in prison? Confine us in football stadiums like they did in New Orleans? Even though the powerful elite have the police and army on their side, less than 1% of the population of this country constitutes “law enforcement” and the military. We are the 99% and if we would wake up we could create a sea change. Similarly, if you are upset with mundanes, violence is not the answer. Education can go a long way. For example, I am starting work on The Furry Book, which I intend to be a guide to the fandom for furries and nonfurries alike. I understand there’s another furry out there doing the same thing, which is fine. The more books the merrier :-) Even so, and even if such books help make people understand us more, there will always be some prejudice and misunderstanding. That said, I must say this as well: compared to, oh, say, 400 years of slavery and another century and more of injustice that the black community has endured in this country, we certainly have nothing to complain about. Not to lightly dismiss the people injured, but a chlorine gas bomb and some people calling us furverts or retards or social rejects in no way compares to the incredible injustices perpetrated against minorities in this country. From African Americans, American Indians, Hispanics and Asians to women, the poor, and the LGBT community, U.S. history is a study in injustice slathered in a thick, sugary frosting of haughty self-righteousness and blind patriotism. Even so, incredibly, this is still one of the best countries to live in because we have, in many ways, improved over the centuries (although recently we’re seeing our progress take a step backward). The stability of this nation depends upon the wisdom of the Constitution, which must be vigorously defended. Our salvation rests on the hope that the populace will not remain apathetic to what is happening and that we will—hopefully soon—rise up against the current problems facing our nation, the most important of which is the division between a small, tyrannical, self-entitled, wealthy elite and the majority of our citizens. The purpose of my digression here is to give you some perspective. The troubles of the furry fandom are minor, at best. By and large, acceptance of furries is growing. We have conventions all over the U.S. and the world, and mundanes are starting to see some economic advantages to this—and we all know that money talks. If you walk into a diner wearing a fursuit, you might hear some giggles, but the manager isn’t going to tell you he won’t serve you food, and there are no signs on bathroom doors or water fountains saying “no furries.” I’m a bit puzzled, admittedly, by your apparent experience with hatred from the mundanes. I don’t know where you are going on the Internet to get such reactions, but I have not had such a negative experience myself. My experience has ranged from fascination and acceptance to, at worst, puzzlement, amusement, and indifference. No active hatred. I might suggest you take a look at the sources of this ire and develop a new strategy for how you interact with people on the Internet. In closing, I disagree with your statement that the best defense is a strong offense, if you mean that the offense is designed to hurt other people. If, on the other hand, you mean a strong offense of education, love, and patience, I would concur. As we close the book on 2014, let’s try to take a lesson from its pages. There is enough hatred in this world that we do not need to add to it. When we let other people’s actions harden are hearts and souls, when we allow them to make us fearful, bitter, or angry, then we have already lost the battle. My wish to you and all my friends out there, furry and not, is that you find a way to fill your hearts with love. On the surface, that might sound naive and simplistic, but, actually, it is the most hard-won strategy of them all. A wise man once said, “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” Over 2,000 years later, most of us still need to learn that lesson. Love you all. Happy New Year! Papabear Dear Papabear,
First I ask that this not be published. Anyway, I'm in a situation that both bothers me and causes me to start to lose some confidence in the fandom. I will try to provide as much information as I can, so here it goes. In July I attended my first ever convention: Anthrocon 2014. With me was, at the time, my non-furry friend, who has, since attending AC, joined the fandom. While there we talked about getting fursuits together and attending Anthrocon every year that we can, which excited me greatly. I have always wanted a fursuit. Just the idea of bringing my fursona to life and making people smile as him makes me happy. So upon returning home I started my search for a fursuit maker. I researched, I priced, I was careful. I found a maker on Furaffinity; I researched her, found no bad comments about her, saw a couple suits she made, and so I proceeded to contact her and commissioned her to build me a partial, She charged me $600, which I paid in full upon her request for me to do so. She gave me the completion date of September. I tried to keep in contact with her, which proved difficult every time. And when I did finally did get in contact with her I got an excuse why she wasn't providing pictures of the progress and was told that the completion changed to October. I figured, okay, things happen, it's life. Then again, hard to get a hold of her, and again every time I did, excuses why I wasn't receiving photos of the progress, and again time change to November, and, yes, same thing again. Now it's December and I have tried to be in contact with her and have not heard from her in over a month. I'm not sure how I should proceed as, honestly, this was my first-ever commission. I've never even commissioned art, and I am afraid if what has happened has truly happened I may never trust to commission again. So my question on this: am I wrong in thinking that I have been scammed? Should I cut my losses? And is there anything I should be doing that I'm not? Thank you in advance, Frustrated * * * Dear Frustrated, Please do not “lose confidence in the fandom” because of the actions of one slow fursuit maker. One should never condemn an entire group of people because of one or two bad eggs. That said, and although I have written on this topic before, this is a good opportunity to talk once again about contracts, verbal contracts, and your legal rights. One of the things that has long frustrated this bear about furry businesses is that furries who sell goods don’t seem, for the most part, to understand a damn thing about business—whether you are a business owner or a client. I chalk this up to the culture of informality in the fandom. That is, we have established a chummy community within the fandom in which we believe—often falsely—that fellow furries will treat us fairly because they are part of one big happy family. Therefore, we do not take precautions when it comes to business. There once was a time when “a man’s handshake was as good as his word” (or pawshake, in this context). That’s no longer true, whether in the mundane or in the furry world. I have to use two paws to count the number of times my mate has been f***ed over by business people who did not honor their verbal agreements. I’ve encountered some of this myself (not with my fursuit maker, Beastcub, who is super-pawsome and worked very closely with me to deliver an outstanding result), but with a certain artist who took over two years to complete a commission I had wanted for a Christmas gift (hence, timeliness was important). While he eventually did get around to it, I will never commission him again. And that is one thing many artists in the fandom don’t seem to get: if you mistreat customers, eventually the word-of-mouth will bite you in the butt. It’s bad for business. In hindsight (too late for you right now, but perhaps helpful in the future), you should always get a written agreement with an artist or fursuit maker. If they refuse to agree to one, tell them “no thanks” and find someone else. Secondly, never never never pay 100% for the commission up front. The artist I work with for this site, Dan the Bear, for example, never demands I pay him until I am satisfied with the result and he has delivered it to me. With fursuit makers, because they have to buy materials for your fursuit, the proper thing to do is treat them like a contractor working on your house. When I have a carpenter or plumber or electrician doing work, I pay him or her for all the supplies they need as soon as we agree on what’s to be done. Then, when they are done with the job, I pay for labor. The same should be true for any respectable fursuit maker. Get an invoice from them for the materials they need and pay for those. Then, when the finish, give them the rest. You could also pay in “milestones.” That is (and this can work for larger projects), pay for completion of certain steps. For instance, pay 25% for when the head is completed, another 25% for the body, and then the balance when it is all done. The fact that the fursuit maker in your case refused to show you photos makes her, indeed, suspect. It might be that she was once reliable (as online evidence seemed to indicate), but people can go from good to bad sometimes. Okay, so what to do from this point? Well, you don’t have a contract, but what Papabear is hoping and praying for is that you saved your email and any other correspondence with her. These are considered legal evidence of an agreement—especially if you have emails from her saying, yes, she received the $600 (or some other evidence, such as a PayPal receipt) and, yes, she was going to complete it by such and such a date. While written contracts are best, verbal contracts are still considered enforceable. Gather up these emails, and if you have witnesses, get them on your side, too. With those on your side, contact the fursuit maker and tell her that you are unhappy with her lack of progress and want a refund immediately. If she refuses, tell her that you have email evidence that she received your money and agreed to make the fursuit, and if she still refuses tell her that she leaves you no choice but to take legal action—that is, you will take her to small claims court (tips on how: http://www.peopleslawyer.net/legal-topics/small-claims-court.html). Here’s some info to know if the person you are suing is in another state: http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/free-books/small-claims-book/chapter9-2.html. Another thing she might do is ask for another extension. If so, and you feel kind and generous, that is up to you to accept. BUT! If you do accept it, this time get a written contract that includes a date of delivery and a description of what, exactly, is to be delivered to you in satisfactory condition. Also include a clause saying you have a right to refuse the work if you consider the quality unacceptable (e.g., she hands you a wad of fabric with two eyes glued to it). Don’t threaten to bad mouth her on furry forums. You can actually get into legal trouble yourself sometimes when you do that (she might accuse you of slander). But do tell her in no uncertain terms what you expect from her and when. You’re in an unenviable place right now, but with some work—and if you stick to your guns—you can get this straightened out and, hopefully, learn from the experience. Good luck! Papabear * * * Dear Papabear, Thank you for your advice. I will take it to heart and act upon it. I do have the emails and PayPal receipts. Update on the situation: this morning, after I emailed her twice in a week about needing to speak with her, I reviewed an email from her with only three words: "my laptop broke." And this upset me a great deal, so I am definitely going to be requesting a refund and searching for a new maker. And again thank you for the advice. Hello, Papa Bear. I'm impressed that someone from this subculture has taken up such a supportive role in the community. My question is one of public display of our art, and of my own appearance. Firstly, in the legality of the matter, and secondly, one of tact. Firstly, I carry a notebook with print-outs of art from certain furry artists I'm fond of, in the covers. These are not commissions, just works I've liked that I display on printer or photo paper. Call it a bit of security blanket. While I'm not distributing these images, or doing anything deliberately criminal, I'm a little nervous about representing myself as a furry with other people's art. However, I have a bad past with art, and never learned to draw, myself. I'm not trying to be an art thief, and I understand that's a problem in the community. Is what I'm doing ... okay? Secondly, I am experimenting in theater makeup, and am deliberating on a drag-analogy to fursuiting (latex prosthetics/makeup, with regular human clothing). My question, if you can answer, would be; is this something I can do on a casual basis, without repercussions from school authority, for being disruptive? What about wearing such disguises in a public place (Wal-Mart, Gas Stations, Drive-Thru's, etc.)? KimonoBoxFox (age 27, North Carolina) * * * Hi, Kimono, Please note that I do ask people to limit their letters to one question. However, I’ll make this fairly brief to save time. First answer: It’s fine what you’re doing with the art. As long as you’re not representing the art as your own, and as long as you are not selling it or otherwise profiting from it, you’re okay legally. Even better if you make sure the artists’ names are clearly seen on the art. So, don’t worry about it. But, if you really wish to ease your mind, write to the artists and ask if it’s okay. They’ll probably say it is, given the circumstances, and it is very common for furries to print out art by their favorite artists, or to display it on their computers. Second answer: You would have to check with your school about dress codes, but I highly doubt such fashion would be smiled upon by your school administrators. As for other public places, especially given that you’re in North Carolina, a rather conservative part of the country, I would be careful. It wouldn’t be illegal (as long as your face is not covered), but I think you would get a lot of disapproving looks; you might even get beat up. Although, not sure about Walmart, since I’ve seen pictures of some awfully funky outfits there. Try Walmart first LOL. But, seriously, in your state of North Carolina, anti-mask laws were developed as a reaction to the KKK. However, they are still on the books and have been used in other cases. The laws state: §14-12.7. Wearing of masks, hoods, etc., on public ways. So be cautious in this area. And, again, you get a lot of derps out there just looking for an excuse to beat up people who are “different,” so don’t set yourself up for such a possibility unless you are well-prepared to defend yourself.
Hugs, Papabear When a Father Puts His Own Son in the Hospital for Being Gay It Is One Sign of a Society Gone Wrong7/27/2014 Hello Papa Bear,
I'm new to the furry community, so I haven't met any other furries yet. I would like to ask you if you got any advice for me [about] what I should do about my family. The problem is I've told my dad that his only son is gay, so we had a short, violent discussion about it. Well, it ended with me in the hospital for a few days and he left the county (he is British so he went back a year ago). I've tried to talk to him this time. I´ve visited him in the UK just a week ago, but it ended just like the same (me a few days in the hospital again), but what hurts me the most was him saying, "You are no longer my son," so I went back to Germany. The rest of my family doesn't even know that I'm gay, and my dad told me don’t to talk to anyone in my family about it. I am afraid of telling someone else about it because their reactions could be similar to my dad’s. I´ve lost most of my friends during my apprenticeship and so my family is the only thing I´ve got left. So, please, would you give me advice on what I can do about it? I´ve started my technician school and after that I´ll try to emigrate to the USA to start a new life with persons who accept me as I am, but what should I do at the moment? Sorry for bothering you with my problems. Lucian the Wolf (age 21) * * * Hi, Lucian, I am traveling at the moment [this was written a few days ago], but will be home soon and will respond to your letter in a day or so. And you are not bothering me with your problems. That’s what I’m here for! Just wanted to say right away, though, that if I were you I would avoid physical contact with my father. Anyone who puts you in the hospital twice and disavows your being his son is someone to stay away from. Secondly, don't listen to your father. If you feel that there is someone in your family that would accept the truth, then tell them. If not, then don't. More soon. Take care of yourself. Hugs, Papabear * * * Sorry for contacting you on this email address but I haven't told you the full story of what has happened after the first time I tried to talk to my dad (it has been my biggest secret I've kept; only 2 persons know something about it.) And I really think I have to get rid of it (it's been the darkest chapter of my life so far) so I struggled if I should tell you or not, but now I think it could be necessary to tell you. I don't fear anymore to let anyone know it. This is the missing part of my story I would like to tell you. After my parents got divorced, my mom was heavily depressed, started drinking a lot, and finally they´ve sent her to the psychologist (my dad already moved into a new flat in a nearby town) and he told me he would move back to the UK. So I decided to tell him about my secret of being gay because I thought it would be my last chance to tell him. (Well, you know how the discussion ended.) But the physical pain was nothing against what he said before I passed out (he smashed my head against the wall); he told me I have to, in his words, "keep your fu--ing mouth closed to everyone about your abnormal-against-nature behavior," and if I don’t stop my selfish behavior I would just ruin the life of my mother and the whole family. At last he told me that it would be better for me not to have feelings at all if I couldn't keep them (I just told him I've already been in love with someone from my school, but I knew he was straight, so I just tried to spend some time with him as a good friend). I can´t remember anything after this (just woke up in the central hospital). I've been thinking a lot about what he said and my only question was, "Why did he stop if I'm the only causing problems?" So I made a decision (thought it was the only thing I could do to help myself and my family that moment because I don’t want to cause them any trouble). I still was an apprentice in the chemistry and veterinary research agency in OWL [Pbear note: I believe OWL to be the Ostwestfallen-Lippe Hochschule, a state university in Germany], so I've gotten access to all the equipment I needed. I thought the world would be a better place without me, so I decided to kill myself. I thought it would be easy to do so, but I didn’t want to leave a mess behind me, so I thought I'll leave the world the same way as an animal who needs to be prepared for examination. I knew I could use any sedative, but it should work fine without. I went to work late, so nobody would be around there and I injected myself with potassium chloride (causes cardiac arrest). I never felt such a physical pain before; it’s like your whole body is burning (your blood felt like it's been exchanged for acid). I couldn't finish the injection, and my body dropped instantly on the ground. However, the impact alerted another lab worker from the ground floor (I passed out at this time, but they reanimated me in the lab and two more times during the trip to the hospital.) The person who found and saved me in the first place was a friend of mine (let’s call her Elly) who shouldn't have been working that evening at all. She visited me in the hospital (the only person who's been there at all) and asked me just the simple question "WHY?" So I told her what’s wrong with me and why I’ve done this. (At this time my mom was still with the psychiatrist to learn how to deal with her depression and my dad had left Germany). Elly told my boss it was an accident (not a failed suicide ) so I wouldn't lose my job (I don't know if they believed her or not, but I´m still working there so it’s fine for me.) But the doctor at the hospital knows everything so he could do his job without any trouble. Elly still keeps an eye on me to make sure I’m fine. I still suffer from the adverse effects of this injection, but I can handle it right now. I am sorry to let you read all this without a reason. I just want to say thank you for being there to give some advice where it’s needed most. And I would like to say thank you to the Radio Network Furcast; without you I would maybe never have recognized that someone like Papa Bear does exist. If you got any advice for me about what I should do to keep on or what I should better change please let me know. And sorry for any spelling mistakes or weird sentence structure. Thank you again, Your Lucian the Wolf * * * Dear Lucian, Thank you for sharing that with me. I won't post this on my website unless you okay it. I do think that people can benefit from reading about other people's experiences, but I won't repost this if you ask me not to. [Lucian ok’d it; see below.] I'm not sure what Radio Network Furcast is, but I guess they mentioned me, and that turned out to be a good thing. As you might know if you've read some of my columns, I attempted suicide myself when I was about your age. I first attempted cutting my wrist, which was, in a way, kind of fascinating because when the blood pools you realize that it really IS a tissue. I maybe bled a half pint or so but didn't cut deep enough and when it stopped bleeding I couldn't continue. Later, I overdosed on sleeping pills and ended up in the hospital, out of my mind for several days. Had some psychotherapy, but it didn't help much. My reasons for doing this were mostly fear of life and being extremely lonely. Your reasons are different: you fear the judgment of your father and family. When it comes to that, I can state what you must already realize: When you allow other people to dictate your life, it brings misery and, often, worse. Thank God you have Elly for a friend! You are who you are. If you are a round peg, you are not going to fit into a square hole. When society and family try to shove you into that square hole, it causes great pain. You are not an evil or bad person because you are gay. You know who IS a bad person? The "father" who slammed your head against a wall. THAT is a bad person. But you know what? Your father is also a victim of society, a society that feels that people can only be one way and, when they do not fit a definition of the right way, it is okay to use violence against them. To me, SOCIETY is the thing that is sick and twisted and causes suffering, pain, and death to people, like you, who are actually good, caring people. My solution has been this: I give society a big middle finger. I have no respect for the social mores of a world that advocates violence on a colossal scale. That murders people by the millions for petty things like money, territory, and the insistence on forcing religious ideas on others. People think that they are bad because society tells them they are bad. "Acceptable" and "proper" society is made up of a majority of the people who either subscribe to the dominant philosophy of the time or are too afraid to oppose it and pretend to accept it. These are the same people who once believed the earth was flat, the sun orbited the earth, and the world was 6,000 years old. In America, they are also the people who believe this nation is a Christian nation (completely wrong, as the US was founded by free thinkers who deliberately wrote a constitution excluding religion from government while advocating religious freedom for all). My favorite passage in American literature comes from Mark Twain's The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. Huck was raised in a society that believed blacks were inferior and should be slaves, but he becomes a friend to the slave Jim. This causes a great moral crisis in Huck because he's supposed to turn Jim in for escaping; he even believes he will go to Hell for not doing so because he would be partner in a crime. So Huck starts writing a letter to his aunt to tell her where Jim is so he can be captured, but he can't do it. He throws out the letter, declaring, "All right! I'll go to Hell!" Was Huck wrong? NO! He was beautifully correct because he rejected society's incorrect beliefs and rose above them to declare what he felt was right for him. (Mark Twain was a great man who was ahead of his time.) So must you. Your father is wrong to do what he did. Society is wrong to condemn you. Religions are wrong for saying you're evil. Your family is wrong if they feel the same way. Hatred is wrong, and it is always wrong. Hurting other people is wrong. Violence is wrong. Always. Rise above the hatred. Be a loving person, the person you are, and you will find peace in your heart and your soul. I feel very close to you right now, even though I am only typing on a keyboard, so I will sign off.... Love, Papabear * * * Dear Papa Bear Thank you for your fast answer you gave me a lot to think about again and I'll try to assume as many as I can. I'm fine with sharing my experiences and it’s ok for me if you post it. I'm still afraid of what happened between my dad and me (he wasn't a violent person and never harmed me before but all changed in such a sudden.) I fear the day when it could happen to me (I never want to hurt anyone but everything I've done seems to lead to the opposite). So my final question for the moment is: Should I hide my feelings for the next 4 years until I can afford to leave the country? Thanks for everything. Love, Lucian the Wolf * * * Dear Lucian, I know how you feel. When I discovered I was gay, I was married at the time. I tried to hide it (for four years, as it turns out), but after a while I just couldn't do it anymore and confessed to my wife I was gay. It was very painful for both of us, and I still feel very guilty and also angry at myself for causing her pain that she didn't deserve. But it is important that you not live in the past.... But, again, we are who we are. Eventually, we have to be who we are. If we internalize this for too long, it eats at our souls and we die inside. Sometimes, as I've advised writers to this column occasionally in the past, it is wise not to come out right away. The best example is when you are a minor who is financially dependent on your family and that family is completely homophobic and unsupportive. Sadly, in such a case, it is best for the person to keep it a secret until they can get out and support themselves. (The streets of America are filled with young people who made the mistake of coming out to parents who were anti-gay and then finding themselves homeless). I can't make that decision for you. Obviously, your father didn't handle it well at all; your mother, given her psychological state at this time, probably wouldn't be a good person to come out to, either. I'm not sure if there is anyone else in your family who might be supportive. It would be good for you to find someone--family or friends--whom you could lean on for support at this difficult time. Maybe, with luck and time, your father will come around and realize how wrong he is, and your mother will get better and be able to understand who you are. If coming out is going to cause you harm (financial, physical, or otherwise) then I would advise you stay in the closet until such a time that you can be free. It is not selfish to not wish to get beaten up, yelled at, or rejected. You have to do what is right for your well-being at the time. Not the best situation, but the goal here is to be able to establish your independence, knowing that you will not remain in the closet forever. I believe you will, one day, find someone to love who loves you back and loves you for who you are. That should be your goal. If it has to be delayed for the moment, that's okay, as long as it isn't put off forever. Hugs, Papabear * * * Thanks again you really helped me its great to have someone to ask for advice. I think I've taken enough of your time for now. Keep up the great job the world need more person like you. Yours faithfully, Lucian the Wolf * * * Hon, whenever you wish to talk, I am here. Please do not hesitate to write again if you wish to. Papabear/Grubbs/Kevin (goodness, I have multiple personalities!) Oh, I forgot to ask: did it occur to you to press charges of assault against your father? He committed a crime, after all. * * * I didn't do anything about it. I know I should but he is still a part of my family (if he wishes or not) and I've been afraid what kind of effect it will have to the rest of my family, questions could be asked I'm not willing to answer. And I think after all I still would feel guilty to be a son who sent his own dad to prison. But honestly I don't really know what I’m feeling about it; it is just such a mess I feel ... I really don’t know how can I explain my feelings. I’m just sorry it’s difficult at last? Sorry but I’m not sure if this part is off topic or something. Besides leaving my mom on her own with such a problem like me He also left the country without any information where he went to. So my mom has to pay for the credit they've had from the bank on her own (they've had a joint back account.) So he took the car (not paid yet 23.000€) and, of course, my mom (lost her job because of the psychological problems) couldn’t afford the monthly payment. So they've put me in charge because the laws says I'm living in a common household with my mother (the reason why I couldn't study (chemical engineering fee 18.000€). So I have to do my technician (no fee) first, which is another 4 years of study, but all the money I've saved was gone. I've paid the credit off last month so it'll be fine from now on. I've found out where he lived just a few months ago. The bill was nearly paid, so I didn't mention it at all (didn't want another reason to argue with him). I lied to mum and told her he paid me half of the money back, and I feel guilty because I lied again to her, but I didn't want her to worry about me at all. Sorry I'm still adding things I shouldn't. Sorry again. Lucian the Wolf * * * Lucian, Please don't apologize, you poor man. You are a good son to your mother. You are a good man, a much more decent man than your father. Yes, you lied, but I’ve never been one of those people who believe there are no exceptions to always telling the truth. Sometimes, in fact, there are times when you should lie. The general rule for when to go ahead and lie is when telling the truth will cause more pain and suffering than good. You chose wisely. Try not to feel guilty. Stop apologizing for being a good person. Write me again whenever you feel the need. Bless you. Hugs, Papabear * * * Dear Papa Bear, I'm sorry for contacting you again but I've been thinking a lot about the conflict I had with my dad. There is one thing I still struggle with to understand. I'm not a physically weak person; I'm taller than him and heavier. I know at least something about self-defense. I know I still haven't got any chance to win against him (he's an ex SAS soldier). But I didn't even try to defend myself. It's been obvious after he pulled his arm back that he's going to hit me, but I didn't even raise my arms to defend myself and I don't know why. Every normal person would have done at least something (I only closed my eyes). And the second conflict was just the same, and on this time I really knew what he was going to do with me, and I just can't understand what's wrong with me. We've had self-defense in school and I was really good at it (OK, it was a bit uncomfortable for me to hurt someone on purpose but I could do it.) I just don't know what's wrong with me (it should be the normal thing to at least avoid getting beaten or defending yourself.) Hope you can help me another time to understand what's wrong with me and what I can do about it. And sorry again; you must be tired to answer all my silly questions. Your Lucian the Wolf * * * Hi, Lucian, 1. Please stop saying "sorry." You don't need to apologize. 2. Your questions are anything but silly. They are quite serious. Based on what you've told me, I would surmise the following. The first time you had the confrontation with your father, you were completely surprised by his physical violence because, as you stated earlier, he had never hit you before. So, you didn't fight back because you were shocked. The second time, though, I believe you didn't fight back because you considered yourself a bad person by that point because of what your father had said. You deliberately went to your father knowing he would hit you because, subconsciously, you wished to be punished for being, you believed, a bad person because you're gay. What's wrong with you is that you keep defining yourself by the standards of a twisted society that believes in violence instead of love and kindness. What's deviant about you is that you are a good person who doesn't wish to hurt people in a society that thrives on backstabbing and killing and profiteering. I celebrate your deviance. You, sir, are an evolved person, an enlightened spirit. You are better, much much better, than your father. The world needs people like you. You are a rarity. I wish I could clone you. Be of good cheer. You are a saint among sinners. Hugs, Papabear Hello there, Papabear!
I've never written to you before—I enjoy reading your kind-hearted advice to other people from time to time when I'm feeling down myself though. Thank you for running this website and column! Now for the problem.... I have a friend who is a survivor of some sort of sexual violence. This was sometime years before I met her. I completely understand her need to still talk about it and the angry, sad emotions that come with it as well as the painful process of healing, but I'm never quite sure how to react. She's never told me outright what happened—mostly she gets incredibly angry and tearful when talking about rapists and "rape culture" and toxic social norms against women, to the point of obviously making herself upset (close to tears). She sometimes brings this subject up out of the blue, doing a 180 from something pleasant like flowers to how unsafe it is for her as a woman to exist anywhere public. Although it makes me uncomfortable to talk about rape in general and see her upset like that, I know it's important for me to hear her out and support her in what obviously was one of, if not the worst experience of her life. My discomfort is FAR less than anything she experienced and that's the outlook I maintain. My question, though, is how do I respond to this? I always try to make sure she can talk to me about whatever she needs, wants, or feels inclined to, but beyond that I'm lost. My inclination is to put an arm around her, but I'm afraid it would upset her more if she considered it unwanted. I'm all for feminism, equal rights, and making the world a safer place for women (as well as people in general), but I hate to agree with her when she so viciously attacks people (in general, usually no one specific unless it's a public figure) for things like enjoying "Family Guy" or "Friends" or "Playboy." So usually I just remain silent until I have to give an occasional "That makes sense" or "That's understandable," which feels a little cold and short. I can't claim to understand how she feels or the emotions involved in the subjects for her with what happened, but I do want to be able to help still since she obviously needs to get these things off her chest. But she doesn't seem to ever feel much better afterward. What do I do? Of course I'll continue to listen to her, but what can I do or say? One more thing I should add is that she's been (and maybe still goes?) to counseling. Thank you for your time! And of course, thank you in advance for your kind-hearted response! --Space * * * Hi, Space, Thanks for the compliment. You’re obviously a kind and compassionate person yourself. I’m very sorry for what your friend has been through and understand your frustration in not being sure how to help her. Professional counseling and/or group therapy is, of course, highly recommended for a person in her situation, and I hope she is still attending sessions. Your friend has definitely not recovered from her rape. She is still very very angry, and she has not been able to overcome the terrifying feeling of a loss of control of her life, which is, really, what rape is about: it’s not sex so much as one person dominating, humiliating, and subjugating another. Because of this, she is projecting her fears onto everyone else. Everyone becomes a potential rapist, and she even feels society as a whole is against her, condoning such acts as part of a “rape culture.” With her in this mental state, it is very wise of you, indeed, not to make any physical contact that might in any way be construed as sexual or even merely intimate. You will have to be satisfied with comforting her in other ways until she is more emotionally stable. She needs to overcome her anger and feelings of mistrust. You mention it’s been several years since the rape. If she is currently getting therapy and it hasn’t helped, she needs to shop around for a new therapist; if she has stopped therapy, she needs to return to it. A good place to start would be contacting RAINN—the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network, at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673). As for you, if you are willing to be very patient and go down a very long road with her, the best thing you can do is expose her to positive people and situations whenever possible. One of those positive people can be you. You and others in her life must be very careful not to let her down or feel misguided or betrayed in any way. She also needs to be exposed to groups of people in non-threatening situations. If she is a furry, sad to say, I would not recommend her hanging out much in the young, rather oversexed furry crowd where she might run into people who will ignorantly hit on her without knowing what she has been through, which could set off an explosion. Many people who have been raped turn to faith for strength. If your friend is a religious person, she might find comfort in that. There are several books written by rape survivors who discuss how their faith in God helped them to recover. She doesn’t have to necessarily follow an organized religion to find help in this way, however. If she is a spiritual person, she can find comfort in many other older belief systems that existed long before Judaism, Christianity, Islam, or other faiths. Getting in touch with her spiritual self and the Spirit around her could potentially be very healing, and maybe something you might suggest if she hasn’t tried it. In the end, she needs to recoup her faith that not everyone is out to get her, that danger does not lurk around every corner. Yes, there are bad things in the world, including rape, but obsessing over them and allowing herself to feel only hatred and fear will destroy her from within. There may be a number of reasons why she is still so angry. Perhaps her attacker was never caught or justice was never served; perhaps she was abused by a close family member and no one believed her when she told others in her family. I don’t know, and neither, apparently, do you, but she likely has many unresolved feelings that are eating her up inside. It would be very helpful for someone to know what happened, exactly, which would help with treatment. It would also help in understanding why certain things seem to trigger outbursts of anger. Without this knowledge, you will need to tread very lightly around her psyche. I wish I could be more help, but I hope what I have written here might give you ideas that will eventually assist you and your friend. She is lucky to have a friend like you in her life. Hugs, Papabear Papabear,
OK, there's this particular artist that I got into an unmentionably bad event about a decade ago, about which she still has not let go of the grudge from such event and holds to it so dearly that an apology of any kind is never going to be accepted. Now I moved on for the most part from that incident, finding love, a life, and my own way, but the last string attached to that closet skeleton is that women’s art. Strangely enough, I still enjoy it. But from a distance. I like it so much that I want to mimic her style. But getting references from someone who hates your guts and likewise is not that easy, though we stay out of each other’s way for the most part. So to the point. Would learning to and being able to draw like her be considered plagiarism or imitation? Given imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. I’d rather not have an army of lawyers come down on my head. So I'm a bit lost. What should I do? Confused from Orlando * * * Dear Confused, There is nothing wrong with learning to draw by imitating another artist’s work, and you’re not going to be sued just for doing that. Many artists learn how to draw by practicing this way. You will see a lot of furry artists whose work is reminiscent of Disney artists, or the work of Don Bluth, or the many anime creations out there, for example. The only way you might be sued is if you create art that basically copies the other artist and then try to make money off of selling it, pretending it is her work. That is definitely a no-no. It is also copyright violation if you create a work that is not only very similar in style but also in content to the point that it looks like something the other artist would do and could easily be mistaken as such. In the 1992 Louisiana court case Mistretta v. Hunt et al. an artist created works based on Mardis Gras posters by another artist. The new works were so similar in style and content that they looked like the work of the other artist, and so it was ruled a copyright violation. In your case, I would avoid copying characters she usually depicts. For instance, if she draws a lot of otters wearing swim trunks and sipping tropical drinks by a pool, you should avoid drawing things that are similar. In the court case above, the defendant not only emulated the artist’s style, but also the Mardis Gras elements she commonly employed in her work. The other problem was that the defendant was trying to make money off these basically plagiarized paintings. So, Rule #1: Do not attempt to make money off anything you draw that is strongly imitative of the other artist’s work; and Rule #2: Do not emulate both the style and content of the other artist’s work (art that imitates content but not style is typically called “fan art,” and there is nothing wrong with that). It is perfectly fine to gain experience and knowledge of drawing techniques by trying to draw like another artist does. As I said, many people do this. But, ideally, you should limit this to practice. The other phenomenon about drawing practice is that, in most cases, you will find that after you have figured out how to draw well you will begin to develop your own style. Everyone has little quirks about themselves that lend uniqueness to their own work. You might also try experimenting with other media. Say she does work using spray ink pens and brush pens; you might try colored pencil instead, or maybe even acrylics or watercolors or cut paper. Each medium has different demands that will, of necessity, influence your style. In addition, try selecting not only art by this particular artist, but also pick two or three other artists that you enjoy and try drawing like them for a while. Force yourself out of your comfort zone a bit, experimenting as you go, and you will eventually develop a style all your own. Hope that helps! Papabear |
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